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Search Results 0 to 49 of about 63 (some duplicates have been removed)
Comedy Central
Aug 14, 2013 1:00am PDT
" joshua oppenheimer will be with us. magnificent film. (applause) we start tonight right here in new york city. >> stop and frisk is a controversial tactic used by police in big cities like new york, los angeles, and philadelphia. in new york, it's been policy for 11 years, defined like this: a person is temporarily detained on the street against his or her will for the purposes of questioning. >> john: that's right, stop and frisk, not just the title of a '90s ripoff of "turner and hooch" about a cop whose partner is a cat. the movie has some problems once the bad guys realize they can completely distract the cat with a laser pointer. damn it, frisk, focus! >i've almost got it, sarge! (laughter) for years, opinion in new york has been divided on -- (laughter). i'll allow it. for years, opinion has been divided on frisk with black and latino residents of the city saying it's an invasion of their liberty and white redents saying "oh, i think i heard a thing about that on npr. is that still happen? ing". (laughter) obviously, i don't mean to suggest that it's only use against the city's min
Comedy Central
Aug 19, 2013 7:25pm PDT
. is that still happen? ing". (laughter) obviously, i don't mean to suggest that it's only use against the city's minorities, but it is almost that. >> between 2004 and 2012 there were 4.43 million stops. 52% were black suspects 3, 1% were hispanic. >> of these thousands of daily frisks, only 6% lead to an arrest. >> john: it's basically like catch-and-release fishing except you get to feel the fish up and shout at it a bit before throwing it back. also, almost all the fish are brown. (laughter) this policy has been in place for over a decade. but there may be some good news on the horizon if you happen to be a minority who likes walking. >> today a federal judge called the n.y.p.d.'s policy of stop, question, and frisk unconstitutional. the judge said the city adopted a policy of indirect racial profiling. >> john: it's indirect racial profiling. (laughter) it's like a cop saying "should we frisk people outside the apollo or outside the jimmy buffett concert? tell you what, let's flip a coin and then head up to harlem." (laughter) the judging ruling found the police disproportionately target
Comedy Central
Aug 1, 2013 1:00am PDT
[horn honking]nking ) they've modified a bus to get us out of here! - i knew they'd come back for us!ome bak al - all right! yeah! - look, glen, we're saved!we'rea - all right, i'm turning around. i' - why are they turning? - what are they doing? don't leave us! - let's hope to christ this works. hope to - ♪ california love fonia ♪ ♪ california ♪ is nice to the homeless ♪is nice ♪ california ♪ ♪ super cool to the homeless ♪ to ♪ in the city in the ♪ city of santa monica sant ♪ lots of rich people ich e ♪ giving change to the homeless ♪omeless - change?c - ♪ in the city - ♪ city of brentwood - ♪ in the city ♪ they take really good care ♪ ♪ of all their homeless ir - they're listening! let's go! ♪ - ♪ in the city ity ♪ - ♪ marina del rey ♪ they're so nice to the homeless ♪meless ♪ build 'em porta-potties - they're--they're leading them away!they' - we're gonna be all right! we'r - ♪ california ♪ ♪ super cool to the homeless ♪ - ♪ california an ♪ a orn ne ♪ in the city ♪ city of venice ♪ right by m
Comedy Central
Aug 8, 2013 1:00am PDT
tonight with breaking news. >> the big chill between the u.s. and russia may be heading for the deep freeze. president obama has officially canceled his one-on-one meeting with vladimir putin. >> john: canceled? wow, that's a big diplomatic slap in the face, a dip move, if you will. ( laughter ) although if the president really wanted to hurt putin he would have said he was coming and just stood him up. trust me, that hurts a lot more. or if you wanted to be more passive aggressive the president could have said let's meet somewhere that's not technically in russia like, i don't know, moscow airport. ( cheers and applause ) look, we all know-- we all know why this meeting was canceled, right. >> president obama formally canceled next month's meeting in moscow with russia's president vladimir putin. why? >> missile defense, human rights, that controversial law there that bans gay relationships and a lot of concern about how it's going to impact the olympics in sochi. >> john: oh, that's right because russia will not allow a hint of homoswullity in an event where you either win a skin-t
Comedy Central
Aug 12, 2013 11:00pm PDT
. our guest tonight is senator rand paul, he's going to be with us. (cheers and applause) he's also where we begin tonight. what has senator paul been up to? >> senator rand paul of kentucky heads to iowa. >> he has planned to visit south carolina and nevada. >> tomorrow he headlines a g.o.p. dinner new hampshire. >> i know rand paul, i think he'll run in 2016. >> what stands between the paul dynasty and 2016? >> well, i'll tell you the first thing that stands between them, three (bleep)ing years! (laughter) that's over 50 new iphones from now. (laughter) why are we talking about this election? that brings us to yet another installment of "can't you at least wait until jon stewart comes back?" (laughter) seriously! this is my last week doing this! it's not just that the media is already ramping up their 2016 coverage, it's this some of them are already trying to wind it down. >> i predict the hard right is going to take over the republican party in 2016 and the nomination is going to rand paul. you watch. this is what i do for a living. >> jon: ooh! (laughter) really? because all th
Comedy Central
Aug 1, 2013 9:00am PDT
in "lovelace," hank azaria is with us. very, very good. but we begin tonight with congress. >> a new cnn poll shows just how fed up we are with congress. 77% disapprove of how congress is handling its job. >> john: congratulations, congress. 77%. you may be about to become the english language's most offense of the "c" word. ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) after ( bleep ). but, look, there's still two days left before the august recess. the "c" word could still pull this around. they could pass immigration reform. it's already been through the senate, so come o"c" word, let's do this. >> immigration reform. that's stuck and it has a very difficult road of getting anywhere in the house. >> john: okay, let's just be honest now-- the house is clearly where things go to die. it's where parents are going to start telling their kids their aging pets went. "oh, now, fluffy's fine, darling. she just got stuck in committe committee." ( laughter ) one challenge facing this immigration bill is-- ( laughter ) one challenge facing this immigration bill is a certain level of misinformation about the p
Comedy Central
Aug 8, 2013 7:25pm PDT
'llob a plane into u.s. custody faster than a definitely not homoerotic team of elastic clad men. that quick. actually, russia is not only global leadership story we're dealing with tonight which brins us to our new segment... indeed. now, we've already dealt with russia, so let's see where our magical dploab will take us next egypt! egypt. i just lift egypt. i'm not-- i'm not used to guns. ( laughter ) as the situation in egypt continues to devolve, the u.s. like a polar bear on a hastily melting glackier is trying to act like everything's still cool. ( laughter ) a couple of weeks ago, we discussed how, due to an unhelpful u.s. law we are unable to call the egyptian military takeover of their government a coup because if we utter the diplomatically offensive "c" word we will no longer be able to send egypt aid, our only nonmissile-based move. don't worry. since then we've come up with an ingenious solution. >> law does not require us to make a formal determination. that is a review we have undergone, as to whether coup took place and it is not in our national interest to make such a determ
Comedy Central
Aug 1, 2013 7:30pm PDT
does not use drugs. because-- does he have any idea what 75 pounds of marijuana would look like? ( laughter ) that would be pretty hard to haul across a desert. ( cheers and applause ) in fact, could we see a little bit more of that picture? okay, so he was right about one thing. but maybe we shouldn't blame steve king. this is probably just what his constituents want, right? >> 69% of steve king's constituents in iowa's fourth congressional district want comprehensive immigration reform. 59% support a pathway to permanent residents for undocumented immigrants under the age of 15. >> john: wow! to go this hard against your own constituency and basic reason, you really must have balls the size of cantaloupes. ( laughter ) and unrepresentative king is not alone in his distrust of these immigrants. >> the problem is that so many of them who come here illegally come so ill prepared for succe success. they come with lack of education. they come with lack of skill. they come with lack of ability or unwillingness to asimulate into the culture. >> john: exactly. do we really want these
Comedy Central
Aug 8, 2013 11:00pm PDT
-g-g gosses. my jest a junior senator from the state of new york, kirsten guilt he brand will be with us. but first we start tonight with memories. who remembers when the wall street bankers turned our financial system into a free willing casino with a global crash in which our money disappeared. do you remember? yeah, yeah. i remember that too. well, guess what? the chickens are finally coming home to roost. >> the department of justice announced today it is going after bank of america, doj says america's second largest bank lied about the riskiness of 850 million dollars in shares of home loans that were sold to investors. >> another big bank could be facing trouble from the federal government. >> jpmorgan chase reports that a preliminary justice department investigation found the bank did indeed break the law while selling residential mortgage bonds from 2005 to 2007. >> yes! accountability. (cheers and applause) >> we got them, baby! whooo! >> accountability. >> yes! yes, sure, justice has been a long time coming but that is just going to make it all the sweeter now. so let's start w
Comedy Central
Aug 21, 2013 1:00am PDT
to take a cue from cutting edge technology such as radio and reality television by using product placement. now let's see how scoop bezos reports the international news. russian president putin today affirmed his support for the syrian government. nice word bezos. you just missed a huge revenue stream. russian president putin today affirmed his support for syria's government while enjoying a ice cold moxie soda. which it turns out is not disgusting. that taste. >> john: no serious news outlet would ever engage in that kind of shameless beverage. >> have you never seen the opening sequence of morning joe brewed by starbucks. >> john: i do think my point about serious news outlets stands. this is all window dressing, hodgeman. are you going to offer the readers anything substantively new in terms of actual content? >> of course. exclusive premium content. for those selective readers willing to pay an extra fee i will also send an actual human being the a place where news is happening. and that person will look around and ask questions and write down what's going on. >> john: that's just call
Comedy Central
Aug 22, 2013 7:25pm PDT
if teddy bears were alive and surprisingly aggressive. koalas. australia might have something to teach us when it comes to democracy starting with this: >> in australia, they have a compulsory voting system so everyone is required to register to vote and to turn out to vote and if they don't they're fined. >> that's right, it's illegal not to vote there. they spend a huge amount of time and energy getting people to the polls rather than spending time, energy, and a supreme court decision preventing them. (laughter) but you might think, "hold on, john, if our elections were just four weeks we wouldn't have all the fun of watching the human gaffer launches on the campaign trail." (laughter) here's the thing: you're wrong. name a great campaign moment and australia will get to it this month. aunt clumsy on-camera prattful by a candidate? check. >> one of their favorite past times during campaigns is to kiss babies and he tried to do that yesterday, he went in for the kiss but at the last minute the mother turned away and he ended up putting his lips on the back of the mother's head. it was a
Comedy Central
Aug 5, 2013 9:00am PDT
leave veitch author of "this town" is with us. it's a brilliant expose of how washington d.c. turns out to be exactly as awful as everyone thinks it is. but we start tonight in russia. with edward snowden, the former n.s.a. contractor turned whistle blower and also of the upcoming lonely planet terminal-d of the moscow airport. so what has he been up to apart from nothing? >> russian news agencies reported that snowden would get a special i.d. card or document of some kind that would allow him to finally leave the airport transit zone. but it turns out that the lawyer wasn't carrying any such i.d. card. he did have some fresh clothes for us, some pizza and a couple of books by check often. >> john: that's nice because nothing lightens a man's spirits like theodore. i think you'll find him in barnes and enable's misery section. take that. now you understand suffering. i've got no problem with you, checkov. no problem. but like a hotel phone ringing at 5:30 a.m. because you specifically requested it, snowden has provided a real wake-up call. (laughing). he's forced americans to examine th
Comedy Central
Aug 9, 2013 7:25pm PDT
box-- hold on, hold on, no, there's a note to. to whomever finds us. i think it was a suicide. the lack of wall street accountability is complete bull [bleep]. we can't go on, love the doves. come on. is this-- i'm sorry, doves. i'm sorry. i'm disappointed too. is this really any surprise, though. every time regulator does go after wall street it always ends the same way. >> part of a settlement jpmorgan did not admit or deny wrongdoing. >> citibank denies any wrongdoing but says it was in the bang's best interest to settle. >> ubs did not admit wrongdoing. >> goldman sachs settled early without admitting wrongdoing. >> settled. so it seems wall street regulation is really just like the middle east peace process. no one goes to jail and it all ends with a bunch of half assed settlements that seem to make everyone angry. (applause) >> so we might not get the emotional closure of having them admit what they did or the physical closure of having them go to jail so how about some financial justice. can we at least hit them where it hurts. >> goldman sachs the giant wall street fir
Comedy Central
Aug 9, 2013 1:00am PDT
tour. thankfully it's only in the u.s. the tosh tour 2010 starts september 24th and tickets go on sale june 17th. new dates are being added daily. all the info is on our website. and if you do come out to a show, no surprise trust falls into me. [laughter] first of all, i'm not trustworthy, and second of all, i'm very frail. see you next week. good night. [cheers & applause] >> from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york this is the daily show with jon stewart. (cheers and applause) captioning sponsored by comedy central >> welcome to the daily show, my name is john oliver. i'm still here for jon stewart who is spending the summer fulfilling the terms of his crazy uncle's will by spending the whole time in a haunted house. he doesn't like g-g-g gosses. my jest a junior senator from the state of new york, kirsten guilt he brand will be with us. but first we start tonight with memories. who remembers when the wall street bankers turned our financial system into a free willing casino with a global crash in which our money disappeared. do you remember? yeah, yeah. i remember
Comedy Central
Aug 15, 2013 1:00am PDT
these sons of bitches! - no, please! - yeah, dude, they aren't gonna give us what we want. - yo, let's cap these bitches, mah. let's cap and leave 'em in the back of the buildin', mah. - hey, come over here. look. - we interrupt this newscast for an important message from the surgeon general. - fellow americans, as you all know, the t.m.i. scale was implemented long ago to assure that each and every american could accurately measure their junk. the established equation is 100% accurate. - argh! - shh! - however, due to recently collected data, we are making one change. the national average for penis length is now officially moved, from 6 inches to 1.5 inches. anyone with a t.m.i. of over 1.5 inches is considered above average. - ♪ the winds of change are blowin' ♪ ♪ there's excitement in the air ♪ ♪ can you feel it? ♪ it's electric and magical ♪ ♪ the happy train's on track ♪ ♪ because america is back ♪ yeah! ♪ woo hoo! come on! ♪ - wait, what? [all cheering] - ♪ america is back ♪ america is back - wait, according to that scale, i still have a small wiener! -
Comedy Central
Aug 16, 2013 1:00am PDT
behind us. next week, we rescue the guy who got stuck in an elevator for 41 hours. ugh, i bet that place was coated in semen. [laughing] make sure you follow me on twitter so we can live chat during the shows. and make sure you come see me on the tosh tour 2010, tickets now on sale. also keep up with our daily blog over at comedycentral.com/tosh.0. and enter our caption challenge. this week's winner is hmbólnk. they write... [laughing] congratulations, hmbólnk. before we go, let's play a quick game of "is it racist?" [cheers and applause] here is a recent political ad from the state of alabama. i know, the alabama thing makes it already semi-racist, but let's withhold judgment. - i'm tim james. why do our politicians make us give driver's license exams in 12 languages? this is alabama, we speak english. if you wanna live here, learn it. we're only giving that test in english if i'm governor. [audience ohs] - is it racist? uh, yeah. that's really, really racist! "this is alabama, we speak english." if you consider "hey diddy, there's a june bug on your corn pone" english, then i guess s
Comedy Central
Aug 1, 2013 11:00pm PDT
with something that is trying to kill us. (laughter) but lately that relationship has become a bit more strained. >> a nationwide push workers calling for a much higher minimum wage. >> workers at mcdonald's, wendiesing domino pizza and more will walk off the job today. here's what they're asking for. the right to unionize and an increase in wages from $7.50 an hour to $15 an hour. >> make our wages supersized. (cheers and applause) >> yes, yes. corporations be less greedy, give our wallets diabetes! yeah, yeah. if you want my-- [bleep] your happy meal. yes. look. this is clearly a complicated issue. and there are obviously economic consequences to any action and reasonable people can disagree on how to help low income families whether it's with wages, tax cuts or golden tickets that may or may not lead to future ownership of a chocolate factory. but how can these fast food workers even be sure their company can afford to give them raises. >> mcdonald's made 5.5 billion dollars in profits alone last year. >> yeah. >> okay then. to be honest i didn't realize the golden arches were literally 24 ka
Comedy Central
Aug 2, 2013 1:00am PDT
us. state trooper. >> the last two idiots did such a good job they got arrested while i fully support and enjoy what they did i do not condone it and tonight's where's daniel is tough but here's a hint. i'm some where towards the middle of your screen. good night. [cheers and applause] >> from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york this is the daily show with jon stewart. (cheers and applause) captioning sponsored by comedy central >> well come to the daily show. welcome. mi john olver, i'm still sitting in for jon stewart who is currently on an uninhabited island in the pas civic learning about the human condition and befriending a volleyball. our guests tonight here to discuss his one man show unconstitutional colin quinn is going to be here. (cheers and applause) very funny man. but we start tonight with our love affair with fast food. well, not some of a love affair as an unhealthy one way relationship with something that is trying to kill us. (laughter) but lately that relationship has become a bit more strained. >> a nationwide push workers calling for a much highe
Comedy Central
Aug 2, 2013 7:25pm PDT
) well, well, well. what a web we weave. >> so unconstitutional. >> yes. >> about the u.s. constitution. >> that's correct. >> of course the single greatest four page document in history that very few people have ever actually read. >> yes. >> right? >> it's good. why do americans see the constitution as being so vook sank? >> first of all, don't ever use that word around me again. i know what it means. i'm worried about you guys, seriously, oh, sorry. >> you're so good as always getting an audience on side. you are so good. >> i'm just being honest. >> are you so good at burying your inherent likability and replacing it with a monster. jon said not to let you do that. >> people find me arrogant. >> he won't let dow that he said if colin puts his feet up, kick them. >> i understand tings are not going well on jon's film. >> that's not true. why would you-- that's not true. don't listen to a word he says. this man is a professional liar. >> i heard-- i heard some bad things about him. tyrannical is the word they use in jordan, by the way. >> a jordan tir ran call tlarx supper case t on t
Comedy Central
Aug 6, 2013 1:00am PDT
.tell eiffel tower right in front of us,er the louvre right over there behind you,louvre and fresh baguettes all around.nd fre at least i got to see paris before i... bee - gary? gary, say somethin'!gar sy [flatulence] you killed him, you bastards! killed he didn't even want any part in this!e didn this all your fault, you stupid cow! fault you never gave your ole gary the time of day,r li life ain't worth living anymore. ? i i'm coming to see you, gary! ! i'm coming to see you! [gunshot] [siren wailing] wish i could say the same for her vagina and asshole. - that's a great idea you had to sneak the hostages inside the bank.grth - yeah, it sure was. we're sorry we tried to burn you and murder you before. - oh, that's okay. this whole thing was my fault.e thing i learned that i shouldn't get high i should come up with ideasi sho and then get high to reward myself.high you said it! captioning by captionmax www.captionmax.com >> from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is the daily show with jon stewart. (cheers and applause) captioning sponsored by comedy central
Comedy Central
Aug 6, 2013 7:25pm PDT
states. >> my mother is born in delaware, she is a u.s. citizen so i'm a u.s. citizen by birth. >> that shouldn't be a problem then. because as we know republicans are nothing if not understanding on that particular issue. as long as your mother was born in the united states, you could be born anywhere on earth and be completely accepted as a viable presidential candidate. okay. so cruz is kind of in. or he really loves spending time in iowa so he's definitely in. anyone else? >> are you laying the groundwork now for 2016. >> i'm open to looking at a presidential race in 2016 but got a little ways, got elections in 2014. >> ah, send your sweater vest. you are more than welcome to run again but you might have to freshen up your campaign a bit. how about this time you only wear sweater sleeves. >> you obviously have a closet full somewhere. that is fiscally responsible. now at this point you are probably thinking the clown car is full. but-- (laughter) >> that's the thing about clown cars. just remember, the legendary list of candidates there 2012. many of whom, lead in the polls
Comedy Central
Aug 15, 2013 11:00pm PDT
and of the silly show simon peg will be with us. frankly, simon has a lot to live up to tonight guest wisement i don't know if he saw last night's show but regis phil pynn ended the interview in a slightly unexpected manner. ♪ looks like we made it ♪ he kissed me on the head. and you know what, i woke up this morning and hi a gray patch of hair in the exact shape of regis's lips. and i realized he just sapd my youth. that's how he still looks so incredible. he sucks years from the heads of men through his lips. he took ten years from my life. and i can tell you something t was totally worth it! everything felt better in that moment. this has been such a fun summer so many memories. traditionally this can be a slow time for news but this particular summer has been just one story after another. we had the voting rights act. gay marriage. paula deen. we did immigration. there was a royal baby with jason jones punching a horse in the face. we had a mid show blackout forcing me to interview eric in the dark. then there was, of course, that night the dark punk played live in our studio instead of
Comedy Central
Aug 20, 2013 9:00am PDT
. see how easy. >> the president says that he wants us to talk about race. so let's talk about race. you go first. >> it would be great if you started off. >> i don't think it would be great at all. >> if you're scared, say you're scared. >> (laughing nervously) no, i'm not at all. i'm incredibly comfortable. incredibly comfortable place for me to be. fortunately jessica's panel jumped right in. >> how far do you guys think we are as a society from eliminating racism on a scale of 0% to 100%. >> i'd say 50%. wow, 50%. racism is already half nonexistent. as long as everyone sees it that way. how far are we toward eliminating racism? >> 15%. a good 50%. 7%. heavens. that's just for obama. he gets 7%. >> we have a black president. i'll say 75. >> negative 20. apparently the state of race relations in this country is somewhere between this -- ♪ i've heard it said -- and this. all right. let's talk about race in america. >> talk about it too much. you think race is talked about too much. >> it is. the fact that we keep talking about the problem exacerbates the problem. >> perfect. let's not
Search Results 0 to 49 of about 63 (some duplicates have been removed)